Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

Make your daily standup meeting shorter