Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

this country is so goddamn polarized

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.