Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.