Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

79.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

I just stopped by to water my horse.

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next