Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

Who knew!

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.