Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.