Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

Finally, a door that understands me

Maybe I’m the problem..

Nvm that don’t even sound right

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

Asking the real questions!

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.