me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
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Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
im 7 sauces long
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
for all #parents out there
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.