Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

I’m literally crying

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

These are dark times.

~me, everyday at 4pm

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

Breaking news:

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.