Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

This is always good for a laugh.

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”