ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
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WHO DID THIS?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
any last words?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.