Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

I’m sorry…what?

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.