me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats