me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
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People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
me hitting on a model
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.