Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
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If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion