Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
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Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.