Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

if a cop pulls u over play dead

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

😆this is so true

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge