Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.