Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

the only bumper sticker ill allow

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

love it when they get my name right

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies