Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
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[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁