Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
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If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I think this cat is broken
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.