Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
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My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
incredible
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?