Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
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If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Windchimes
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.