Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

There is no try. There is only give up.

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

*duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

Bootstraps

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.