Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
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ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.