@DrakeGatsby

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

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@AristotlesNZ

Him: Ha! I got your ATM card.
Me: So? You’ll never guess my PIN.
Him: Is it 6969?
Me:..
Him:.
Me:..
Him:.
Me: Seriously dude, give it back.

@LeBearGirdle

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

@DiscoCanadian

[I emerge from the bushes covered in blood]

Director: CUT! For the last time I said mud! Where do you keep getting all this blood from?

@tchrquotes

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

@HomeWithPeanut

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

@meganamram

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

@notacroc

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

@squirrel74wkgn

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

@realHamOnWry

Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.

I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.