Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.