Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

my astrological sign is a french fry

im all 3

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate