Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

🍂🕷️🍂

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!