Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
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I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”