Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

honestly, i need both:

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river