Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
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get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Customer is always right
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Just parrot things
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*