Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
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Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
From Facebook just now…
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
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*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.