Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
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Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
The photographer’s assistant
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
went fishing caught a bass
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!