Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
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[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.