Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.