Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Don’t frighten the programmers!

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

Please, I am begging you.

Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.

Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared