Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house