Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

spot the difference

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.