Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

The options really are this bad

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.