Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

🤣

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.