Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
You Might Also Like
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.