Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
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A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
The opposite of goth is stopth.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon