Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
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When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.