Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
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My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
finally
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.