Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
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[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
when she block me on everything
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I’m listening
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…