Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present