Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

ME: what’s for dinner

KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.