Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

Delightful if true: booby trap.

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

Breaking news:

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.