*cocks shotgun* I asked you a question: in order to ride a pug would you rather be shrunk to its size or have it grown to your size
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
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Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
Son: mom, spell ICUP
Me: I C U P
Son: *giggles* I see you pee
Me: well yes you all have BECAUSE NO ONE LEAVES ME ALONE – EVEN WHEN I’M IN THE BATHROOM
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)