@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

You Might Also Like

@pattymo

*cocks shotgun* I asked you a question: in order to ride a pug would you rather be shrunk to its size or have it grown to your size

@MichaelTrying

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

@Piecezilla

The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.

@TheToddWilliams

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

@_steamy_mac

Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”

@Divergentmama

Son: mom, spell ICUP

Me: I C U P

Son: *giggles* I see you pee

Me: well yes you all have BECAUSE NO ONE LEAVES ME ALONE – EVEN WHEN I’M IN THE BATHROOM

@JohnLyonTweets

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

@LockWilford

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

@AlmondTiddies

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)