Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

Bobby pin

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

Sorry. Not sorry

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan