Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
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“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Once again not all heroes wear capes
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.