Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?