Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

I wish I could veto my bills.