Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
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Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
A small tragedy.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Yup
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
