Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
You Might Also Like
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
can you read it!!??
maan!
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.