Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

I already tried new things thanks.

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”