Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

🛁

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

just leave it at the foot of the bed