Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

The 5 signs of laziness

1.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

I see a badly-tied bin liner.