Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
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Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower