Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
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Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
car not found
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.