Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.