Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.