Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

A duv-egg? In this economy?

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

War & Peace

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

i think my razor is having a panic attack

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.