Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neck my back my allergy attack

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

oh my god

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy