Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
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“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?