Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother