me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

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I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me


Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Neighbour:You’re sick
Me:You’re next


11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day


lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were


[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!


This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister


If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.


[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.