me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
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“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.