I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
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Neighbour:How’s the wife?
Me:No, she’s on fire, just going for more wood
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
If Anne hath a will, Anne Hathaway.
Not now, I’m binge watching the weather channel.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.