Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

*The First Ever Rodeo

“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

🥲

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.