Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
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safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope