Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
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Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
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ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.