Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
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I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Terribly Tuesday.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living