Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
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[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Thanks to a fan for this one.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms